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NOTE-   If you thought you had selected another article then mysteriously ended
        up here again, it may  be  because  you  pressed RETURN, which loads an
        article NUMBER (which will be '00'  if  you've just started). Use SPACE
        or MOUSE BUTTON to select articles  if  you're  using the cursor in the
        menu.

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EDITORIAL STUFF & PUTTING TOGETHER: EGB's Smelly Sox

DOC DISPLAYER & MENU:   Genie of Network Trash.

TEXTURE MAPPED INTRO:   Flowerman
EQUINOX "BALLS" INTRO:  EGB's Smelly Sox

ARTICLES WRITTEN BY:    EGB's Smelly Sox, Genie, Mr Orb, Flowerman, GLT, Potsan
                        of Lemmings, Robo, BAT, ESP.
SOURCES:                Internet, Powerman  of  TWB,  Jolly  Roger's  Cookbook,
                        Fidonet, ST Report and  Z  Net online magazines, BBS's,
                        and a special thanks to HENSA.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                   THE EDITORIAL / REAL-TIME PROGRESS REPORT
         by EGB's Smelly Sox and a couple of members of Network Trash.



(A bit like ROTTSPOT, only it's the  lives  of people who actually do something
that's useful to somebody!)



Hello everybody- bet you're suprised that we're  back! Did you think that there
would be only  one issue of PURE BOLLOCKS?  No way, we've just had to come back
for more! And now  we're bigger and  better  than  the last issue- which is not
very hard for fucks sake!
    Improvements? You want improvements? We got  an improved menu, improved DOC
displayer, improved articles (OK,  we're  pushing  it  a  bit there!), improved
intros (Ha ha! Not very  hard  is  it?),  and  even  a RAMdisk for even quicker
loading of your favourite  crap articles!
    Thanks to everybody that responded to  our  last  issue  when we sent it to
them, and to those  who didn't answer back-  this  isn't a sick joke by a bunch
of lamers, believe us! This is a   genuine  disk magazine! We hope you all take
it a bit more seriously this issue! Those who did  respond, we'll cover some of
your expansive views in the "Letters Page". Well, at least the  expansive views
of the few that actually sent us anything!
    This part of the editorial is being  written in the Reading Room of Glasgow
Uni on a Mac Classic!  (Hee hee! No, it  really is!) I'm in Glasgow Uni to hear
some of  the rumours about an   investigation  into  one of the subjects of our
last issue, Network Trash! If you want  to  find  out  more, then read the news
for all the dirt! Let's just  say  that  whatever  respect I had for  Computing
Science bods is going down the pan!
    I've just started typing this  editorial,  and  Magic  Rat, Banana Hand and
Davros from Network  Trash have just popped  in, and only  Davros is not pissed
as fuck! Magic Rat really is  steamied   up,  and  Banana Hand is only slightly
more sober. If they start pissing about with the Boyd Orr  computers...

            ------------------------------------------------------

As you can guess Genie's here as well!  Hello this is the other annoying person
from Pure  Bollocks, the main difference is that I'm also from Network Trash as
well. Talk about drama...  Banana Hand wants  to  set up servers in a couple of
Computing Science labs- and while he's   still  reeking of booze! The reasoning
is that it'll completely  fuck  up  the  Computing  Science  department as they
think they know who's setting up  the  NT servers (They don't- they've  pounced
on two completely unconnected people!) Of  course,  the  fact that you can read
this  suggests that they've not been caught!  Because if they had, I would have
had to deny all   knowledge,  or  pretend  it  was  someone  else! So it's just
myself, EGB's Smelly Sox and Davros  left in  the RR at the moment. I might pay
a surreptitious visit on the Boyd Orr later....

           --------------------------------------------------------

EGB's Smelly Sox is back on the keyboard now  with a bit of a rant- If you live
in Britain, then  you'll be unlucky  enough  to  get adverts for this 'product'
called 'Golden Crown'- they keep  doing  loads of expensive cartoon adverts for
it on TV with Willy Rushton doing the voice- overs. They've also gone through a
name change- they use  to  be  called  "Golden  Churn"!  I  think that's pretty
appropriate as it's a  golden  hybrid  margarine/butter  spread that makes your
stomach churn! Now, from the  amount  of  advertising and re-launches that this
product gets,  it's obvious that the  company  that does it (Kraft) thinks that
'Golden Crown' doesn't sell  because it isn't marketed the right way. Well, let
me tell you Kraft, the  reason  that  people  aren't   buying  it is because it
tastes shit, no matter how many Willy  Rushton voice-overs or re- namings there
are! "You can taste the butter in  Goldern Crown"- yeah, and plastic and shitty
margerine additives, and loads of E numbers-  and the "two spoonfuls" of butter
can't take that  away! Anyway, the  butter  tastes  like  it's been in a fridge
since the last Ice Age, and has  developed it's own unique lifeform- which by a
coincidence, is a bit like the sort you get in  advertising agencies!

           --------------------------------------------------------

Hello, this is Genie back again. Wow, this is just like a realtime article now!
At the moment, I am  repairing a Mac  Classic with a fucked system. This is the
sort of thing that really annoys me. I   mean  spending 5 mins trying to see if
the systems go a chooser, and the  bloody thing  crashes every 20 seconds, then
trying to load it with a library system  disk, only to find out that  someone's
fucked that up as well, five minutes later  I managed to copy the proper system
across from the server. This is the sort  of thing that really makes we want to
shout naughty  words, so here goes....(Deep breath) "NAUGHTY WORDS"!

           --------------------------------------------------------

Ah UMM ER!!!  Well, all's quiet on the RR  front, however it's a bit iffy up on
level five of the BO.  NO  not smelly, uneasy. It is 8.19pm and I am sitting in
front of number 1 [I think he  means  Mac   number 1 -EGBSS], I'm Davros by the
way, I know , a really  shitty  handle,  but  I  was  pissed at  the time.  Did
anyone get a copy of the Abyss! Being  at the library until all hours at night,
I  missed it!  Back to that BO buisness.   I don't have a scooby at what Banana
Hand and Magic  Rat are trying to accomplish,  but I'm sure it'll get all of us
into big smelly  huge  piles  of  rancid   putrifying  shit.  But that's enough
about the Network Numpties (only kidding BH   I  don't want  to be the next one
who has to pay for your   next  sword  sharpening  bill!!!!!).  Oh by the way I
think that Pissed as a Rat would be a better handle for Magic Rat.

           --------------------------------------------------------

EGB's Smelly Sox returns to  the  keyboard,  BOIZ!!  Sorry for sounding so much
like Powerman  there, but it's all this  excitement. Naaah, I don't think so! I
might pop my head in the Boyd Orr  in   the next five minutes (It's 8:40pm now)
to see if there's any blood on the  fifth floor. So that's it  from the Reading
Room for tonight!

           --------------------------------------------------------

There was no blood on the floor of the  Boyd Orr, but both the 2nd year and 1st
year labs were  closed with the lights off!! Wooooo!

Anyway, this is the next day, and myself  and Davros are logging into the Hensa
PD network in  Lancashire all the way from sunny Glasgow University PAD. If you
have access to a PAD  computer, then  call  "lancs.pdsoft" - you can enter with
the password and username  "hensa"-   it's  all  above  board,  since it's a PD
network. You can load loads of intresting  shit off the  network, and I've done
a few downloads already, and this is my first major tangle with DOS and  crappy
old IBM machines.  They're  supposed  to  be  from  their  factory just outside
Greenock  (On the south of the  Clyde  as  it  nears it's estuary, less than 20
miles from Glasgow.) but they   look  as  though  they've been transported from
Silicon Valley  to  New  York  docks  in  a  broken   down  cattle  truck, then
transported to the mainland of Europe by  an  oil tanker in one of their holds,
then transported across the Sahara on a  fleet of camels, then transported back
again because  they've remembered  that  the  computers  are  supposed to go to
Glasgow, then taken on  another  broken  down  truck which detours in Amsterdam
while the driver gets some hash,   then  after  a couple of crashes and arrests
for reckless driving on the road to  France,  the truck  gets torched by a load
of farmers who think that it contains  English  sheep, then it gets  delayed at
Dover while the current driver goes through court proceedings to prove that the
IBM machines are not  "economic  migrants",  then  they  are  quarantined for 3
months in case they have rabies, then  they   are  taken up to the river Clyde,
and thrown in, then a dredger picks them up from the river  bed, and then....
    Davros has just told me not to get too carried away!

There's one thing that really pisses  me  off  about this Hensa. Nearly all the
stuff to download is  in this UUE  encode  format. Talk about complete waste of
space. You have to download the  .uue file,  and then decode it using their UUE
decoder program. Why bother? Most archivers   stick  all the files into one big
archived one, so why do Hensa need  this  shit?  Even worse, .uue  files end up
longer than their uncoded versions by a big amount! It can't even be a security
measure as they tell you how to  download  the  decoder and get it working! So,
Hensa- get rid  of that shit,  you're  wasting  space  and time, and people are
wasting their phone calls download  extra shit they don't need.

I'm back on my ST now. And one of  the programs I've got working is the TOS 2.0
control  panel, which is really nice and  a  bit  like the Mac control panel. I
haven't even look in the  MultiTOS section, but  I think I will next time I log
onto lancs.pdsoft!

           ---------------------------------------------------------

This is the Saturday the 6th February  and  some  of the editorial team of Pure
Bollocks have  been meeting in the Barras.  We've been spreading the last issue
like wildfire- we first gave a  copy  to  a couple of stalls- one has expressed
an intrest in writing a couple  of  articles.  We've  also been spreading it to
various postal contacts. I wouldn't be surprised  if  MUG UK hasn't got  a copy
by now! I've been announcing  to  everyone  that  I'll  be  releasing PB #22 on
Saturday  20th March- round about the time  when  the Falcon is at last getting
'consumer launched'! So   the  deadline  for  articles  will  be Wednesday 17th
March.

        ---------------------------------------------------------------

Hello Genie again, I've been asked to write some "shit" for this article. Well,
the first bit is that  I've downloaded  the  MINT (Oops sorry, I mean "MiNT" of
course!) stuff off lancs.pdsoft. The  second is  that loads of people have been
running up to me asking if  I  can  donate  some   money to the SRC scholarship
fund- even when I wear the  stickers!  There's  also  a "coffee  day" , so I'll
take the time to go there as well...

        ---------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I'm back, and I must say  that  the  Principal of Glasgow University is a
very lucky bastard!  His "Lodgings"  are  bigger  than  four copies of my house
stuck together end to end! Each  room is  large  enough to house 6 of the rooms
you get in student halls! There were 3 living  rooms dowstairs and one upstairs
holding this coffee morning as well! The  Principal wasn't  there, but his wife
was. She's a bit like Miss Marple on  speed,  and she had so many of her  women
friends helping her that it looked like  a Women's Circle coffee morning! There
were so  many middle-aged women scurrying  around that I almost got blue-rinse-
blindness! I sat down  at one of the  tables,  and a woman came round asking me
to pass over a finished cup. I passed  it over and she said "Thannnk-YOU!", the
'you' being a staccato  squeak  that  almost  drove  my   ears  halfway into my
brain!!! I immediately  got  coffee  even  though  I  hadn't  really  asked for
anything. I quickly finished it off  anyway,  and  it wasn't bad coffee- pretty
decent filtered stuff  that doesn't form a skin if you put milk in it and leave
it for 10 seconds. I went over to  a  small  group of the women hovering near a
coffee filter machine, and asked if they  had  any tea. They  said they had and
immediately offered me a cake. One of they trays contained a selection of  nice
looking cakes, the other contained a load of micro-sized buttered pancakes with
jam on  them!!!! When I sat down  again,  I  was  in a chair facing the door. I
noticed camera flashes  advancing to where  I  was sitting. I thought "Oh shit!
Nick Nei's found me out!" but no, it  was  the Lord Provost of Glasgow District
Council entering the  room,  and  wearing  a  really  silly   looking  chain of
office!!! It was really strange hearing all of these upper-class accents, and a
proper Glasgow accent amongst them! There were  a couple of students in a small
room next  to this room, dutifully washing  the  dishes. There was a whole load
of them helping out. We  had the  presidents  of the unions washing dishes, and
the Senior Vice President of  the  SRC   doing  his  butler act and opening the
door!

       ----------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, this is EGB's Smelly Sox again on Saturday, and guess what- there's been
a big bust in  the Barras! I even saw  it  on the news before I went into town.
There was a camera at  the  bust,   which  is  probably why FAST suddenly acted
tough for them! There was some  stallholder  who  was looking pretty annoyed at
all of this, and was a bit pissed off when a camera was pointed in  his face. I
thought only Police could do search warrants  though,  so why were the FAST lot
doing it?
    Anyway, I've got a couple of articles  already, and a couple of more offers
of articles,  and someone else apart from  Genie is working on a disk archiver!
(It's Flowerman, as it  happens.) I've now  got  Protext, so all the files will
look nice and justified from now on! I'm  also  sending DBA diskmag a couple of
disks. They did an article on diskmags, so  I  sent them a  couple of ones they
hadn't reviewed- guess what diskmag is included! Hard, eh! I've also  been nice
to them and done an interview  and  did  a  text  file  in answer to an opinion
article.  [You can read it in this  issue  of PB as well!] So hopefully they'll
answer, as there has been fuck  all replies from our mailings to people outside
our usual contacts. I suppose the fact that  you  usually collect from a PO box
less often than if you have it delivered to your door can have  something to do
with any delay,  but  it's  been  over  a  month  now!  There  were  3 of these
mailings, all of them to outside Britain.  Since I don't have any mail contacts
outside Britain  (yet), I sent them to  : Mad Vision (Belgium), Toxic (France),
and UNC (Norway), since I got their   addresses from their disk mags!!! Now, of
course, I didn't seriously expect them to  do  anything like write articles for
another diskmag!! However, I enclosed a  letter  asking them what  they thought
of it, and if there were any  helpful  tips they could give, and nothing's been
posted to our top secret contact  address  since.  If  any of the guys from Mad
Vision, Toxic, or  UNC are reading this,  I'm  not slagging you in any way, I'm
was just intrested on your  views   about  this  disk  magazine. If you want to
contact us, then you know the address!

        ---------------------------------------------------------------

Genie's back again. This is Wednesday, and I've downloaded a big article on LZW
compression, I'm sure everyone will  be  interested  in that! [Yes, really!....
ZzzzZZzzz... - EGBSS] There's also a whole  load  of bbs messages which I might
port down.
    There's a FAST poster up on the wall  of the with a really terrible cartoon
of some jolly  little policeman  from  London.  You  can tell he's from London,
because he's got the famous   "Tit-head"  cap  on!  I  quietly took it down and
traced over it, and put it back up again. I'll give it to  EGB's Smelly Sox and
see what he can do with it.

        ---------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the pic, Genie- hee hee  hee.... I'm doing something really terrible
to it, and  hopefully, you'll get it  in  the "clear memory" pause at the start
of this diskmag! There's been a  couple  of replies to our diskmag!!! Thanks to
our contact for passing them on! The first was  from the ex-Tour De Force coder
Darkman, the second from Agrajag, and  the  third  from one of  our contacts Mr
Orb, with some nice articles, and a copy of the Jolly Roger's Cookbook!  Thanks
very much for the stuff, it'll be very  usefull!  While we're at it, I might as
well say "hi" to  Jolly Roger- it's  some  work  you've done! I heard that some
people on Edinburgh  were   arrested  for  having  these  two  disks. They were
labelled "Games Hints"!!!!! Errmmmm, anyone   want  the hints to "Napalm"?? How
about that great game "Killing Someone  With Your Bare  Hands"!!!! The Cookbook
was also spreading around some  schools  in  the  Newcastle area (I  think).  I
think the "Dontcha Just Hate School?"  article  might  have had something to do
with it!

       ----------------------------------------------------------------

Genie is back again. This is Wednesday  3rd  March 1993, and on Friday, there's
going to be an  election at  Glasgow  University for the Rector (Currently held
by top pop star [A joke I presume-   EGBSS!]  Pat Kane) . I've just been to the
QM, and have had 4 leaflets thrust into my hand.  They were for Yusef Abdullahi
(One of the Cardiff Three, wrongly  imprisoned, and supported  by the Socialist
Worker Student Society- SWSS.), Helena Kennedy (QC and supported by  the Labour
Club), Liz Lochhead (Poet/Playright who  lives  on  campus, and is supported by
the  SNP club.), and Pam St Clements ("Pat Butcher" in Eastenders and supported
by the Gaysoc  and Lib-Dems.). The  first  thing  I noticed on the SWSS sticker
(Believe it or not, everyone  pronounces it "swizz"- even the SWSS themselves!)
was the big "X" below Yusef's name.  Not   just any "X" but an "X" supsiciously
in the style of the "Malcom X"  logo  for the Spike Lee  movie!!!! Sure enough,
there's a reference to the man: "As  Malcom X said: 'By any means  necessary'."
Now if that's the best quote  SWSS  can  get  from  Malcom  X, who did loads of
speeches during his time, then they're  really  desperate. I'd suggest the fact
is that they really  know fuck all about Malcom X, and are just cynically using
the hype from a big blockbuster   movie  in  a  way that goes against their own
purported principles. It'll also probably backfire  on   them, since the "X" is
used to represent a vote for Yusef,  but  the  actual vote for rector uses  the
single transferrable vote system, so you don't put "X" against a single person,
but "1", "2",  "3", etc.,  against  your  preferences.  Of course, you can just
treat it like a "First-past-the-post"   style  election  by  just putting a "1"
against the only candidate you support,  but  you  don't  put  an "X"- then the
paper is treated as "spoiled",  and  it's  not  counted.  There's load of these
stickers around the QM, but the QM enacted a new by-law yesterday, which banned
stickers,  and asked groups to clean  them  up or face disciplinary action! The
best you can say for the  SWSS  is  at  least they try, and don't use bully-boy
tactics.
    Which is more than can be said of the Labour Club. Today, the front page of
the  Glasgow Evening Times has a headline which reads "THUGGERY CLAIM IN RECTOR
BATTLE"- yes, that's entirely due to  the  Labour Club! Apparently, one of them
(His name is  Billy Stewart and has  a Roger Daltrey style hairdo.) head-butted
a member of the Pam St  Clements  team,  and  said he was "dead meat". This was
because he believed the guy was was  ripping down their posters! They also sent
nasty letters to opposition candidates! Pam St  Clement got a letter saying she
was going  against  Labour  Party  constitution  in  standing   against  Helena
Kennedy! They obviously didn't know  she  was  partly  supported by the Liberal
Democrat group, and she's not even  a  member  of  the Labour Party. One of the
other  candidates, Mark McManus (They guy  that plays "Taggart"!!) got a letter
accusing him of being  supported by the  Tories!  He was a bit annoyed, despite
being ill and in hospital, since he was   never actually put up by the Tories!!
Loads of people have been saying  that  the  Labour club  have been seen openly
ripping down posters in the middle  of  the  day!  (You usually do at  night of
course!) And people have been saying this sort of thing is unprecedented- well,
apart  from the posters bit (There's been no poster war yet, in fact, it's been
comparatively  quiet),  it's   all   true.  But   there's  more-  yes,  we  can
exclusively reveal that opposition members are  being  followed by  Jim Sharkey
of the Labour Club! This guy is about  40  and apparently has a family,  but he
spends his nights hanging around  the  QM  following  people with SNP badges on
them! I know, because Secret Agent Sharkey followed me when I popped out of the
QM bar.  This guy looks like a  vampire,  only with designer stubble and a daft
duffle-coat. I stopped to  get something out  of the slot-machine on the Ground
floor, then this bastard suddenly  appears  out  of  nowhere, and accuses me of
ripping down their posters!! (It's  a  poster  with  the   word "KENNEDY" on it
below a picture of Helena Kennedy that  makes  her  look like an old  woman.) I
say that I haven't, he says that he had, I said I haven't, etc., etc., then I'm
so fed up  that I eventually  say  "Enough  of  this." and just walked away. He
calls afters me, saying that  he's got two witnesses to say that I ripped their
posters down! I ask him if he knows my name,  and that silences him, thank God!
But no, still follows me, like to check I'm not ripping down  any more posters?
Fuck off Jim,  I  know  you're  just  trying  to  intimidate  me! Let everybody
reading this magazine know the facts- this  guy  is  a WANK, and he must have a
very sad life at  home if this is the sort of things he likes getting up to.
    The Labour people are very quiet today,  I  wonder  why! Anyway, I go up to
the Food  Factory and guess  who's  at  the  other  end  of  the floor, but Liz
Lochhead, doing a wee  walkabout around  the  third  floor during the middle of
lunchtime. Jim Sharkey and co are   growling  at  the opposite end... Anyway, I
finish my pizza, and go down towards the  exit, and  guess who is there but Pam
St Clement, all dressed up  and  made  up  in  the  style  of Pat  Butcher from
Eastenders, even though she's actually  got  a  bit  of  a posh voice. Then Liz
Lochhead and her entourage come down from the Food Factory, and they have a bit
of a  blether. All that's needed to  complete  the star lineup in the QM ground
floor is bloody Johnny  Ball! (Yes, THAT Johnny Ball, as in "Think of a Number"
is standing as well, and he's probably  the favourite, worse luck!)
    Phew, talk about name-dropping......

   ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, this is the Friday of the  election, and guess who's the favourite! Well,
I'll give you a clue-  there's a gigantic banner hanging out of the QM from the
top floor down it's  full  height,  saying   "JOHNNY  BALL"!!!  Also, there's a
Johnny Ball banner hanging down from  the  SRC  offices. I  thought the SRC was
supposed  to  be  an  impartial  non-political  thing,  now  that  they've  got
supposedly "independent" presidents. Well,  how  many independent presidents of
student   bodies  do  you  know  that  support  card-carrying  members  of  the
Conservative party??!?!? It's  true- in fact at the hustings yesterday, he said
that Margret Thatcher was the best thing  to  happen to Britain for ages. Their
poster for him simply says  "THINK!"  Yes,  well  I  thought, and  that's why I
didn't vote for him at all. More  like  bloody  Think Of A Womanising Tory, I'd
say.
    Anyway, I went along to the Hunter Hall  East  to vote, on the way I almost
bumped into  Pam St Clement again! And  at  the entrance, guess who were there,
but a whole plethora of  hacks who  were  intent on showering me with leaflets,
one of which was  headed  "Labour  club   =  thuggery"!!!  Some  of  the Pam St
Clements team were taking the piss out  of  the  Labour Club  as well, and when
one of the Labour asked them to calm  down,  one of the Liz Lochhead team  said
yes, it's time for  some  HARD-HEADED  thinking!  The  Johnny  Ball team simply
shouted  "JOHNNY BAAAAALLLLLL!" and threw leaflets at me.
    So I eventually managed to squeeze through, and popped into the Hunter Hall
East,  where I had to find the right  polling  register with my name on it. The
prof that was working on  the polling register was the usual type that tries to
appear "with it" whilst still wearing the  old  gown/robe thingy. Anyway, I got
the voting slip, and there's  8  candidates  on  it they are: Yusef  Abdullahi,
Alex Duff (Official  GUU  beer  bar  candidate),  Mark  Boyle  (Independent and
unemployed), Helena Kennedy, Liz Lochhead, Jonny  Ball (Tory), Pam St Clements,
Russ T  Sharp (Official Monster Raving Loony).  The voting works like this- you
put your votes in order   of  preference  (eg  "1"  for  one candidate, "2" for
another, and so on..), and you can  express  as  little as one preferemce or as
many as there candidates. For  prinicple  of  counting,  the point is  that the
winner gets a "quota" of the votes - that  is, 50% of the total votes cast + 1.
If the  candidate with the highest votes  fails to get this, then the candidate
in last place drops out,  and  their  second preferences votes are counted, and
so on....
    For example, I voted Liz Lochhead "1"  ,  Pam St Clements "2". The reason I
did this  was that I reasoned  that  people  who  voted for one woman candidate
would vote for another,  and so if  Liz  Lochhead  drops outs after a couple of
ballots, the second preference votes  would go to Pam St Clements and/or Helena
Kennedy, so I decided to help maximise  this   change  in my own little way, so
that hopefully there would be  enough  votes  for  either of the  candidates to
inch ahead of Johnny Ball, who I  definately  didn't  want to win! I put Pat St
Clements instead of Kennedy, because of,  well,  the Labour Club's campaign. As
you can  see, there's a lot of scope in this STV system for tactical voting!

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm back in the QM, and it's  just  after  5pm. There's a meeting of well-known
faces in the  QM   ground  floor,  what  with  Helena  Kennedy  talking  to Liz
Lochhead, and Johnny Ball hanging  around looking old and confused. Jim Sharkey
is trying to look less like a hardened criminal in  a suit, and oh my goodness,
he's actually shaved. Though luck Jim, you still look like a  complete wank.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

THE NIGHTMARE HAS BEGUN!

OFFICIAL RECTOR ELECTION RESULTS (Just spoken over the Tannoy in the QM while I
was in the bar.)

After SIX ballots, a quota was reached:

JOHNNY BALL             1806
HELENA KENNEDY          843
LIZ LOCHHEAD            841

So now we have a TORY rector! AAAAAaaaaaarrrrgggghhh!

There's a whole load of hacks hanging  around  the QM bar now, getting steadily
pissed, and  so am I, especially at this  sad news. Billy Stewart appears to be
going over to the Pat St  Clements  team.  Is  he going to headbutt one of them
again? No... It's appears  he's   APOLOGISING....  Well,  I  did  hear the word
"sorry" drifing over about 5 tables  to  where  I was  sitting. The other bloke
doesn't appear to be taking it  too  seriously.  Oh look, there's Johnny  Ball,
still looking old and confused, only this  time getting a pint and sitting over
with a couple of  hacks, and  looking  old and confused. Great rector material,
eh? [Note this  is  being  written  on  a   piece  of  paper  while I'm getting
completely pissed!] Helena  Kennedy  appears  to  be  quietly   conversing with
members of the Labour club at the  far  end  of  the bar, though they might not
be, I just can't tell, what with all this  noise! I saw one of the Liz Lochhead
bunch point over to  one of the Labour Club, an old guy, and the words "special
branch" were used! What? Was he  bust  by  Special  Branch, or is he in Special
branch?!?!? Pure Bollocks wants  to  know!  The   Lochhead  and Pam St Clements
teams are sharing a couple  of  tables  and  talking  general  gossip and stuff
pretty near where I'm sitting. The  general  hum  from the Liz Lochhead team is
that "oh we did well, considering we had fuck all campaign, we didn't expect to
get this much,  etc., etc., ...." The Pam  St Clement team are talking with Pam
herself. Now Liz Lochhead has  come down  from the candidates buffet, and I saw
Yusef Abdullahi go around the corner  of  the   bar towards the SWSS crowd. Any
more rectorial candidates, and the first floor will collapse!

                  -------------------------------------------

Thanks for that in-depth rectorial campaign report, Genie! This is EGB's Smelly
Sox  again, and  I'm getting a  whole  load  of  great articles and shit ready.
I've also got hold of OCTALYSER, an 8  channel  tracker on the STE! A few of us
were up in the Barras this weekend, and  we met Major  Tom- he's doing a "demo"
about the Barras bust, with sampled sound and digitised pictures!  There's also
a digitised picture hanging up in  a  stall,  of  one of the FAST heavies being
interviewed on TV, and the text "WANTED"  put  on  top of it!! Ha ha! Nice one!
Robo's also  doing a couple of  articles.  Only  he  choose to tell us while we
were crossing the road and he  was  going the other way!! The conversation went
a bit like this...
    Robo:               "Oh by the way, I'm doing a couple of articles."
    Others:             "That's grea... AAARGH! LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR!"
I've also got the latest ST Format, and  ...  Well, so fucking much for the big
feature on demos!  All you lot  got  was  a  quote  from one of your experts, a
quote from Douglas Little, and  quote  a   picture  and  a demo from a complete
lamer who codes shite demos! And the amount  of  space  you paid to it- about a
third of an A4 page, for  fucks  sake!  And  to  cap it all, you've started yet
another shite guide to assembler by Tony  Wankstain!!! And as usual, it's traps
traps traps and  bug-ridden listings! So go and fuck youselves ST Format!!!!

                 --------------------------------------------

This is Wednesday 10th March, and I might  have  to the realease date back by a
week because  I haven't got the PO box in time for the release date (It's gotta
be 10 days in advance, that's   how  long  they take!), but that doesn't really
matter too mcuh seeing as  Atari  seem  to  have  pushed the "consumer release"
date back as well!

Hmmm, this might actually be the  longest  DOC  in the entire diskmag! No shit.
(Looks at "Word  count" utility  in  MS  Word  4...)  Yep, 5215 words and 29347
characters so far!!!!

                 --------------------------------------------

I've just thought of a couple of  things  (And no, it didn't hurt, fuckwit!!) .
There's two adverts  that really get up my nose in a big way. The first is this
toothpaste where the mum says she  took her daughter to the dentist and she got
a couple of fillings then she says "I  couldn't  believe it. I felt so GUILTY!"
Why? Are you force-feeding her  sweets  or  something? You feel  guilty because
some twerps  in  advertising  aim  adverts  for  sweets  directly  at children?
(Probably the same lot that do this shite  one  I'd say.) The other one is that
Pampers advert  where some woman  from  the  North  of  England goes on at some
length to the camera. She   probably  said  quite  a  lot really, but they just
edited it down to the  likes  of  "My  baby's  happy....   when she's dry.... I
always use Pampers... because it keeps my baby dry... I once tried using  other
nappies.... my baby  wasn't  happy.....  she  wasn't  dry....  so  I always use
Pampers....  because it keeps my  baby  happy....  because she's dry..." and so
on, over music which makes  it sound like it's the bloody Meaning of Life!!! If
you believe this advert, this baby's happy as   long as it's bum is not wet. So
how does it go to  the  toilet  then,  answer  that  one you  smartasses in the
advertising industry!!! And if you believe the  image  of the mum given by this
advert (Which is probably not true  anyway)  then  you'll  expect her kid to be
grow up really  psychologically fucked up and never  learn to swim or go near a
bath or shower in case his or her arse gets wet!

                 --------------------------------------------

Wednesday 17th of March, and I still  haven't  got  the fuckin' PO Box! I'm not
going to delay the  magazine any further, though,  because it may be as much as
a  month now until I get enough  money to get a bloody PO! But this mag's going
to get released on March 27th PO, or no PO!
    It's a bit cold and rainy for the time of year, but I expect I'd better get
used to slowing  down my bodily  processes  and  saving energy, now that Norman
Lamont's going to be  putting   fuckin'  taxes  on  heating  fuels!!! I'm quite
pleased apart from these two problems, since  I'm  almost finished my intro and
I've already got a whole load  of  articles  from  other sources, so I'll  just
have to start putting things together.
    Another reason I'm happy is because I'm on a fuckin' Apple Mac! It's bloody
brilliant  after a couple of days  using  shitty  IBM PS/2s, which are not only
shite by themselves,  but  link   onto  the  most  user-unfriendly  networks in
existance!! I've been reading the article that Robo  gave me last Saturday, and
I've been putting it to use in  a  big  way!  There's a great Gopher in  the US
called the "Whole Earth  'Lectronic  Magazine"  which  has the initials "WELL",
don't ask  me how the last "M" suddenly transforms into an "L"!!! Anyway, loads
of the sort of stuff that  PB readers like: hackers, technology, reviews, views
and stuff. I just have to get it down by....  aaaahh, enough of that! I've also
had an idea of using the  networks  of  the  world to provide a  sneaky contact
address if you want to send text  files  to... More later! Well, after I finish
this day  of the editorial  and  save  it,  I'll  do  the article on getting PD
software off HENSA.

                 ---------------------------------------------

OK, if you want to know about this sneaky contact address.... It's an email box
in Finland! You can send text files to this address:

    an18359@anon.penet.fi

Which will relay them to me! Also,  if  you've never called before, then you'll
get your own  anonymous ID created on  this  server,  so you'll also be able to
have your own anonymous  email address! I  understand you can send binary files
by UUencoding them, at least so Robo  tells me, I don't know yet how you do it.
The other good bit is that I've been  able  to log onto an  FTP site in America
and get some Falcon stuff off it!!
    Anyway, this is my last entry in  this  editorial on the Apple Mac. As soon
as I'm finished  this, I'll convert it to a  text file, and port it over to the
ST.

                 ---------------------------------------------

This is EGBSS on the keyboards for the  final bit in this editorial. Let's just
say I'm bloody tired and  pissed  off  because  the  time  taken to fix out the
technical problems in the diskmag  programs  has  increased  by  a factor of 8!
Anyway, all the articles are finished, and I'm  sticking them on disk B, so now
you can read the bloody thing..... Go on, fuck off!

***

EGB'S SMELLY SOX!

27/3/93

***

