
                           -------------------------

                           *  O  P  I  N  I  O  N  *

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                           ST FORMAT'S PROBLEM PAGE!


Don't you just hate those thick idiots  who  write into ST Format with  really,
*REALLY* sad questions which  are  common  sense  to  most normal people  (EVEN
Amoeba owners). I hope these  letters  don't  give  an  overall  view of the ST
population ? (WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!?!)

These letters take up space in ST Format which means that YOU have to pay extra
for it (that is, if you are daft enough to buy ST Format).

TO ST FORMAT- we say.. SCRAP THAT  SECTION!!  There  is not enough sad cunts in
the universe for you  to be able to justify  such a waste of space! Why not get
some decent programmer (Demo/Professional(GAMES)) to  do a section  which might
actually make somebody buy your  FUCKING  SAD  magazine!  [Well, to be fair, at
least they've got Wheee The Fibble now! -EGBSS]

OK, here are a few sad letters  from  various  issues of ST Format.. (Thanks to
SNOOPY for the loan of the  magazines!)  The  letters have been placed in their
original categories...



         -------------------------------------------------------------


    1.  THE DISK DRIVE

Q:  I only have one disk drive and when  I  try to copy a program from one disk
    to the other on the screen it never works.  What is wrong?
    David Barret, St Peter Port, Guernsay
A:  YA FUCKING DUNCE GEEK, IF YOU DO THAT,  THE ROMS IN YOUR COMPUTER WILL SEND
    OUT AN ENCODED RADIO MESSAGE  TO  F.A.S.T.  THIS  MESSAGE INFORMS THEM THAT
    YOU'RE A PIRATE, AND WHERE YOU  STAY!!!  ....  WHY  DON'T YOU WRITE INTO ST
    FORMAT AND ASK THEM WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?

Q:  I have a 520 STE and I was thinking of buying a 1MByte external drive. If I
    got this would I be able to play 1MByte games.
    S. Nisbet, Bellshill, Lanarkshire
A:  WEEELLL, RABSIE BABY, I THINK THAT YOU'VE GOT IT WRONG LADDIE. I'M NOT SURE
    ABOUT THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION..  TO  FIND  THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION,
    YOU HAVE TO READ THE BOOK  'ENGINEERING MATHEMATICS' (BY K.A. STROUD,SECOND
    EDN., ISBN 0-333-33337-3. THE BOOK IS  PUBLISHED  BY MACMILLAN) TO FIND THE
    ANSWER!
        IF YOU CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF  THE  ANSWER,  LOOK  IT  UP IN THE BIBLE.. I
    THINK IT'S IN PSALMS 999 :- 'LAMENT FOR A LAMER'.

Q:  I'm going to upgrade my ST to  1Mbyte.   Do  I need a 1Mbyte disk drive? If
    not what are the advantages?
    Bernard Blackham, Cheshire
A:  SEE THE PREVIOUS ANSWER YA FUCKING CLOT.



    2.  THE PRINTER

Q:  How do I get my Epson MX80 9-pin printer to work on my 1040STFM?
    Paul McCool, Glasgow
A:  SOMETIMES IT HELPS TO PLUG THE CABLE  WITH THE MAINSPLUG INTO THE MAINS AND
    THE OTHER WIRE INTO YOUR COMPUTER! IF  THIS DOESN'T WORK, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
    THROW YOUR COMPUTER OUT OF THE WINDOW.

Q:  On a colour printer, do you have  a  ribbon with lot's of different colours
    on it or do you have a different ribbon for each colour? T. Moxham, Hants
A:  RIGHT FIRST TIME.. IT'S  LIKE  FUCKING  SPAGHETTI  INSIDE A COLOUR PRINTER.
    WHEN THE PRINT QUALITY GETS FAINT, POUR  DOLMIO  AND MINCE INTO IT FROM THE
    TOP. I HAVE DONE THIS FOR YEARS  WITH  MY PRINTER, ALTHOUGH I'VE NEVER USED
    IT. I KNOW THAT IT WORKS! ..TRUST ME.


    3.  SOFTWARE

Q:  Can I play games on a 1040 ST?
    Michael Jones, Herts
A:  NO *YOU* CAN'T ARSEHOLE. ST'S ARE  JUST  A  FUCKING  THING YOU HAVE ON YOUR
    DESK AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT.. SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK THAT YOU *CAN*
    PLAY GAMES ON IT, AND THEY WILL TELL  YOU  SO.. TO JOIN THEM IN THEIR GAME,
    GO INTO THE BARRAS AND ASK FOR  DISKS  WITH NAMES ON THEM.. SWAP THESE WITH
    YOUR FRIENDS (JUST LIKE PANINNI FOOTBALL  STICKERS!. YOU CAN GLUE THE DISKS
    INTO AN  ALBUM  IF  YOU  LIKE,  IF  YOU  DO,  YOU  CAN  SHOW  THEM  TO YOUR
    GRANDCHILDREN WHEN YOU GET REALLY OLD.  (THEY MIGHT ALSO BE WORTH SOMETHING
    BY THEN!!!)

    TO CUT A LONG ANSWER SHORT..

    OF COURSE YE CAN YA FUCKING STUPID CUNT.

Q:  Can you play ST games on an STE?
    P. Horn, Cumbria
A:  NO, ST GAMES WERE MADE FOR THE  HARDWARE  OF THE STFM. THE STE CAN'T HANDLE
    THE DEMANDS PLACED ON THE COMPUTER,  AND THEREFORE OFTEN CRASHES! SELL YOUR
    STE AND BUY AN STFM.

    (NO OFFENCE MENT TO ANYONE WITH FM'S. HEY! I'VE GOT AN STFM YA BAS.)

Q:  How on earth do I get a file out of a folder?
    Daryl Lay, Suffolk
A:  THIS ONE IS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT  I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ASKED THIS...
    WALK TO THE FILING CABINET, UNLOCK  DRAWER,  OPEN DRAWER, SEARCH FOR FOLDER
    REQUIRED, TAKE OUT FOLDER,  OPEN  FOLDER,  TAKE  OUT  REQUIRED FILE AND HEY
    PRESTO..YOU HAVE NOW REMOVED A FILE FROM A FOLDER YA DOZY CUNT.

    ALTERNATIVELY YOU CAN BREAK THE LOCK AND.... ETC.

Q:  Is it possible to run my old 8-bit games on my STE?
    A. Gofford, Peterborough
A:  IF YOUR GAMES ARE IN 8 BITS, WE  SUGGEST  THAT YOU DON'T TRY IT.. GLUE THEM
    TOGETHER FIRST, OR ALTERNATIVELY, JUST PUT THE BITS INTO THE FUCKING BIN.

Q:  Can a mono emulator do any damage to an ST's internals?
    Martin White, Southampton
A:  YES!! IF YOU HAVE RUN  SUCH  A  PROGRAM  ON  YOUR  COMPUTER, ALL YOUR DISKS
    BECOME INFESTED WITH VIRUSES,  A  PERMANENT  VIRUS  ALSO INSTALLS ITSELF IN
    ROM..  TO SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE, SEND YOUR  COMPUTER AND DISKS TO OUR P.O. BOX
    [Hey! We haven't got that ready yet! -EGBSS!] AND WE WILL GET RID OF IT FOR
    YOU BEFORE IT TAKES OVER THE WORLD!!!!!

    WE WON'T EVEN CHARGE YOU FOR IT!!!!


                                   <THE END>

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Some of these questions are quite funny others are just plain stupid.

If there's anyone out there who have  got  any questions about your ST,  please
send them to the editorial address [By which we mean "email editorial address"
-EGBSS], we are thinking about having  a  Help  section in PURE BOLLOCKS...  Be
warned, though, stupid questions will end up in articles similar to this one!

                             -ESP-, -GLT- & ^BAT^.

