                 PURE BOLLOCKS CLICHED JOKES SECTION presents:

                         Bip of Hopeless Lamers in...

                        BIP'S 'HILARIOUS' PROBLEM PAGE:

Q:      I'm a demo coder  with  a  problem.  I'm  not  a  bad coder really, but
        everyone  thinks  I'm  a  lamer  because  I  let  my  cousin  write  my
        scrolltext, and he always writes a load of shit whilst pretending to be
        me, and so everybody thinks I'm a  sad techno rave-head with the mental
        age of 15 who keeps bragging  about  how brilliant his code is, whether
        it's a piece of  shit  or  not!  Also,  everyone  thinks  I'm a sadcase
        because I put my own demo in my top ten demos of all time!
A:      Well, I've got one of your demos  here, and yes you're right, it really
        is a shit 3D rout which only shows one side of the cube when it's close
        up, and the scrolltext keeps going  on  about how brilliant and fast it
        is! Well, firstly I would suggest that you get your cousin to listen to
        some decent music like Napalm Death.  Funnily  enough you can order the
        Napalm Death Demo from Bip's PD Library  for  only 10! Also get him to
        start coding on his ST- he'll  never  brag  about it again! As for your
        pathological egomania, well you'll need more advanced help than mine..

Q:      I am an ex-editor of a well  known  computer magazine. I was pushed out
        in favour of a nice-looking girl.  I  originally thought it was because
        she looked like less of a prat than  me  on the letters page, but now I
        think it might be because I  was  a  crap  editor that slagged all demo
        coders, kept including articles slagging the  ST off, and kept annoying
        everybody in PC Format! What can I do to regain my credibility?
A:      By an ST, and actually do something  useful with it. I find that always
        helps. One useful thing you could do is a demo. Funnily enough, you can
        get the Demo Construction Kit on 6  disks from Bip's Dodgy Barras Stall
        at 3 a disk!  Oh,  and  don't  worry  about  credibility- look at Tony
        Wagstaff to see what I mean.

Q:      I'm the assembly expert in a  well-known  computer magazine, and I give
        advice to everyone  that  writes  to  me.  But  everyone  still doesn't
        understand my code, or when they do,  say it's complete crap! What am I
        doing wrong?
A:      There's a really clever technique  you  can  use to help your assembler
        programming- it's called supervisor  mode.  Type  in this small listing
        and watch it bomb out!

        * Really clever technique to get into supervisor mode
        * Carefully worked out in 4 days flat by
        * Roger Piss-on and Tony Wankstaff.
        * Please credit us if you use this code!

        * This is the fastest way to do it!

        super_i equ     32

        super   movea.l #stack_usp_ptr,a0
                move.b  #0,(a0)+        clear 4 bytes- that's a word length!
                move.b  #0,(a0)+
                move.b  #0,(a0)+
                move.b  #0,(a0)+
                subi.l  #4,a0
                movea.l #into_super,a1
                move.b  #0,(a1)+
                move.b  #super_i,(a1)+          super command is 20
                suba.l  #2,a1
        label   move.l  (a0),-(sp)
                move.w  (a1),-(sp)
                trap    #13                     call GDOS
                addq.l  #32,sp                  tidy stack
        move_stack_into_d0
        move.l  d0,stack_usp_ptr        save d0 for really technical reasons

                bss                                     The bss bit

stack_usp_ptr   dc.b    0                               one bss part
                dc.b    0
                dc.b    0
                dc.b    0
into_super      dc.b    0                               another bbs bit
                dc.b    0

                end                                     the end bit

        The amazing effect  of  this  that  you  don't  have  to  use traps for
        everything. I would also  refer  you  to  a  very  good  back called ST
        Internals. And it's available from Bips Brilliant Bookshop at only 30!

Q:      What's the quickest way  to  get  all  the  latest  software titles for
        nothing?
A:      Join the Trading Standards Office, and bust pirate stalls in your local
        market. For more details, there's  a   new  book  on the subject called
        "How To Join The Trading  Standards  Office  And  Bust Pirate Stalls In
        Your Local Market So That You  Can  Get  All The Latest Software Titles
        For Nothing"  by Bip of Hopeless Lamers, for only 20- exclusively from
        Bip Publications!

Q:      I am a lamer, and your article  in  PB  #21 struck a chord with me. I'm
        now no longer ashamed to admit that I am lame, but I would like to meet
        other people like myself. Is there any groups for lamers  near me?
A:      The likelihood is that there  will  almost  certainly be a lamers group
        near where you live, as there  are  much  more of them around than many
        people would like to admit!  Alternatively,  you call Bips Lamer Advice
        Line on 0898 359 444. (36p  cheap  rates, 48p peak rates.) Don't worry-
        you are not alone, and slowly  societies attitude to lamers is changing
        anyway. (Fuckin' coders- who needs 'em!)

Q:      I own an Amiga.
A:      What are you doing reading this then? Piss off.

Q:      Ok, I own an ST as well, but I still like the Amiga!
A:      Well, there are counselling groups for  people with your type of mental
        disorder. Might I recommend the  Bip  Anti Amiga Counselling Course? In
        it you learn about the hardware intricacies of the Amiga, and if that's
        not enough to put you off the  machine,  you  might as well go and kill
        yourself!

Q:      Right thanks, I'll try that.
A:      OK, no problem...

Q:      ......
A:      ......

Q:      I'm still here.
A:      Yes, I know that.

Q:      Why?
A:      I don't know.

Q:      What is your name?
A:      I'm not going to tell you my real name, for fucks sake!

Q:      Why did you resign?
A:      You'll never know.

Q:      We want information..... INFORMATION...... I-N-F-O-R-M-A-T-I-O-N-!-!-!
A:      You won't get it.

Q:      By hook or by crook we will...
A:      Who are you?

Q:      The new number 2.
A:      Who is number 1?

Q:      You are number 6.
A:      I AM NOT A NUMBER, I AM A FREE MAN!

Q:      Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
A:      Oh, fuck off, this is getting desperate.



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